In this crazy love story I am going to explain the semisweet experience I had with a little drug named klonopin. They call it the most powerful drug, and believe me, it is the most intense medication I have ever came in contact with. For those who have no clue what klonopin is, it’s a controlled substance sedative you can have prescribed for many different issues including panic attacks, seizures, and high functioning anxiety. It is a very useful medication for the issues I just listed but can be dangerously addictive. I’ve never been addicted to anything in my life before this pill was introduced to me, by a family member. I became extremely dependent on this medicine and it almost completely ruined my life. I turned to them to help my anxiety attacks since I was getting them about three times a week, and needed something desperately. But unfortunately I became obsessed and I knew it was going to become a huge problem for me. Basically, to sum it up, klonopins made me a zombie. I had no motivation, no ambition, and absolutely no feelings, which was what I desired all along. I didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted to be numb and have all the pain, guilt, and the bad thoughts fade away. Being numb was my number one focus at the time. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. Not my family, my relationship, my friends, or my own daughter. Nothing mattered to me anymore and I was slipping away. I lost control of everything that was once important to me.
I went and booked myself a doctor’s appointment with my family PCP and convinced them of how much I needed these pills. I was being extremely malicious and manipulative, and during that time of my existence I was good at getting what I wanted and knew exactly how to persuade them. As soon as I walked out of that doctor’s office with the prescription in my hand I knew my life was going to change for the worse. The next two months were a complete haze to me. I don’t remember many of the conversations I had or even the things I did. I was completely emotionless. And what was worse was knowing all my loved ones had to sit there and watch me become someone I wasn’t. Looking back at the part of me that was erased by klonopins I realized how much I lost. The time I will never get back, the part of me that had changed into a horrible person. Before my addiction I was terrified of everything. Terrified of dying alone, being in love, losing someone, or simply not being liked. I was paranoid and ultimately losing my mind. My speech slowed down from my usual rapidly high voice. I had severe amnesia and never wanted to eat. I just wanted to keep drowning myself in the pills and wash my life away because of how much it had led me to wanting to die. I eventually got help and decided to never take them again. I told my doctors about my fixation with klonopins which was a huge step for me in the right direction. Now they refuse to give me anymore of them. I must admit, it’s still an ongoing battle that I am dealing with and sometimes I catch myself thinking about them.
I ended up relapsing not too long ago when I accidently ran into a bottle of them while I was cleaning out my night stand. The bottle had about fifteen pills in it and my mind was racing on what I should do with them. The questions running through my mind were; Should I throw them away? Take them? Save them for a rainy day? What do I do? That evening I ended up throwing them away. I thought about it the next day while I was at work and eventually dug them out of the trash as soon as I got back home. I took them all within a period of a week. I was devastated and disappointed in myself. I cried and cried until I realized enough was enough. I was done with this addiction. I was finally 100% ready to start my life over and I did. Like I said, it’s still an ongoing struggle but I now know how bad they are for me and I know I finally have the power within myself to never have to turn to them again.
If you’re struggling with addiction, please get the help you need to overcome it. You’re not alone and you can get past it.
Love, Krystie
